Wednesday, September 13, 2006

This day was quite disturbing. Well, first it was busy because of work and the requests and deliverables don't seem to be stopping. But that was fine. had quite a bit of time mismanagement (?) or i think it was because i really forgot to send the files needed. Whooppss..

The disturbing part was when i had dinner with my dad and brother, along with some guests. Admittedly, i was hesitating to go since i had brought home work and wanted to sleep earlier. but then this is a chance for me to be with my dad. and so yes, i went. There were 3 guests: the father, his son, and their business associate i guess. The son wants to be a pastor and has been travelling around the country to preach and teach. Apparently his dad didn't approve but didn't know how to tell his son about how he felt. And so enter my dad. He was giving advice to the son about how he should be helping out his dad with the business and not think about his own wants first. That his duty and obligation is to his family. There were times that my dad was saying "family first before God," and somehow he was trying to make it sound that the bible was outdated and whatever is in it isn't applicable to modern living/life.

It just bothered me that my dad seems to be pleased in "dissuading" people from their calling, especially when it is to become a religious. I was thinking, who are we to tell people to forego their calling? It's a matter between God and that person. Sure it's not bad to give advice, most especially if help is sorely needed in the family business, but I just feel that people shouldn't be mocked about their calling - even if they aren't completely certain that that is what they want to do in life. It could be that it's just testing waters first, to see if this is really it. Better to have tried and seen than to have completely ignored something that really matters.

The other thing is how prayer should be confined as one aspect of a person's life only. The way I was brought up ( school) is prayer should be completely part of one's life. We pray not so much to ask God for miracles (but we do sometimes) but because we want to create an intimate relationship with Him -- to get to know Him a little bit better and make that communion deeper. Because without prayer life does seem heavier (and my dad is correct in this point). But it is all about building a relationship and not about asking God to literally present Himself at your call. Prayer is also a time for your self. You also develop a personal relationship with yourself. to get to know that Ays or whoever beneath all the superficiality and facades that we present to the world. True, i haven't prayed for quite some time but I do believe that depth can be found in conversing with God. There is that knowledge that even if bad things happen, everything will be all right. That you can go on living and be happy for other people and for yourself. Peace can be found in prayer. That is solace, a haven where just for a while you can be yourself and not be afraid that you are being drawn and measured.

Whatever it is that people have, it is given by God though we may not be aware of it. Sometimes we rest too much on our own abilities and can't accept that there is, in fact, a being greater than outselves, someone who moves and works beyond our comprehension. But when we do understand, we learn that it makes sense. That God makes sense, unlike most people (including me).

There is one point that I do agree with my dad: such things like God's calling should be thought about with the heart and mind, not just either one but BOTH.

Ok I can go to sleep now. Maybe I'll edit this one of these days. :S

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

After a year

I remember in processing last year when we were asked if we would let our kids join ACLC. I automatically said fact, i would insist on it - granted, of course, that he/she would be studying in ateneo. You see, aclc mattered a lot to me and it has given me so much in the past 2 years i've been in it. i personally felt that my college life would not have been as fun, enjoyable and memorable if i hadn't joined aclc (of course, this is a biased view. since im sure other people from other orgs may also feel the same way about their org/s). Weird lang kasi I sounded like a fanatic person. hahahaha

so thinking back about it, i have come to realize that, though i have had and will have good memories with this community, i cannot do what i said during that processing. i can't ever insist someone to do something just because i said so (duh!). more importantly, people, especially children, are not extensions of ourselves. we can only do so much for them. in the end, it is entirely up to them to do what they can and must for themselves. looking at my parents, i see that it is such a difficult thing to let people be free to stretch their wings and take flight on their own. I guess there's always the feeling of wanting them to be safe and protected, the fear that they might fall and injure themselves, the need to know that they are doing the right thing (or according to what one thinks is right).. Mahirap talaga. but all i can do, in the end, really is to be there when needed or un-needed as i let them go their own ways.

Mahirap. kahit ngayon na alam ko, lagi pa rin ito isang pagsusubok dahil gusto kong mangyari o masunod yung gusto ko (na alam ko namang hindi maaari).

mahirap na mahirap talaga... pero kakayanin.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Of Fear and Violence

Why does it always have to be something with violence?!?! Magpaalam ka kung gusto mong mapagalitan. Magpaalam ka kung gusto mong mamura. I really can't stand this anymore. Always, I am faced with the "threat" of physical or verbal violence that, if I think about it, can be easily avoided or not done. And the sad fact is, even if I don't like it, I fear it. Too much, I'm afraid. I guess I just don't want to be scolded or being told of a list of all my flaws and wrong-doings. I am so damn tired of it. I get it from myself and I got lots of dose of it from my parents - most of the time from my dad when he
gets mad at me. I don't get it really. Yes, I believe that it is not healthy to repress anger, but at the same time you should wait for that all-consumming emotion to cool down before you tell the other person that she made you angry or frustrated you. I think, more than anything, it's the things that are said in anger that hurt and damage the person who is at the receiving end. I have personally experienced this. I try to act like it doesn't bother me and doesn't change the person that I am, but the truth is it does. It lowers your sense of self, the way you value your self, the way you even treat yourself. And sometimes when that is all that you have heard from the people who should be the ones who lift you up, you eventually believe that you are who they say you are. It sucks because I also know differently. I know who and what I can be. But there is something in the angry tongue that somehow keeps me from really believing.

One of the things that I hesitate to do now is to tell my mom or my dad that the marble ledge on one of the windows in the tv room is cracked in the middle. I worry what they will say to me. I honestly don't like to hear shouting and cursing. (It's ironic, though, because I sometimes curse also). I keep thinking that it is the right thing to do because this is my home and whatever happens in it is my responsibility and at the same time, I just don't want to tell so that they won't get mad at me. I think now that they be even more mad if they find out for themselves a few months from now, without me telling them about it.

I think about Kant (this is all Philo's fault!!). He says that To do the right thing is to do one's duty. Is it my duty as a member of this household to tell? It doesn't take much to know that it's a YES. And because it is my duty, then I will have to tell regardless of the consequences - even if they get mad or ground me or tell me not to invite any friends to the house anymore. I think about all these and I hesitate. I hesitate because I think of all the consequences that I might possibly have and think of not being able to be with my friends more. I am scared of that consequences. I can't stand being grounded and being told that I have to go home early. That I have to leave my friends behind. I believe this is what Fr. Nemi would classify as the Utilitarian way of doing morality. So long as it is convenient for me and I will not face the repurcussions, then I will opt not to tell. This is the reasoning that I am most inclined to - because I want to save my skin - but I also think that this is a bit skewed. I feel, too, that this isn't the RIGHT thing to do. It's self-serving. Up until now, I do not know what to do: to tell or not to tell. I am internally torn between these two. I have yet to decide. I have to face my fear of violence sooner or later.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Udyok sa akin ngayong araw na ito

I thought of creating this blog to help me write and sort out my thoughts. And this morning in Mateo, i heard 2 things about how writing often helps shape and improve my style...well you know, practice makes perfect. But wait..i've been hearing that my whole life! Anyway, first post and it's 30 minutes 'til midnight so I'm going to go to sleep. I'll just write when i can.